Shooting

We live in a neighborhood where almost everyone around us has been affected by violence or death. It seems like everyone’s uncle, son, cousin has been shot and/or killed. Last year we participated in a candlelight vigil for a neighbor two doors down whose son was killed with a concrete block. Besides the killings there are also random shootings. Last March a man was shot in the foot on the street next to me at ten in the morning.

Not only have we dealt with shootings, but also death. Erwin lived two doors down from us in a house he was fixing up for the owner. A loner, Erwin had a sweet spirit but didn’t open up much about his personal life. He grilled most nights because they were still fixing up the kitchen and always smelled of lighter fluid. We would invite him to dinner– he wouldn’t come, but would always accept the food later. They didn’t find his body until it started rotting and flies gathered around the door. A neighbor called the cops. They said it had been a few weeks. We all felt sick to our stomach for not checking up on him earlier.

I had always comforted myself with the illusion that the violence would not touch me because I wasn’t involved with the drug trade, didn’t do drugs, and therefore wouldn’t be a target for the random shootings. Until yesterday.

I had taken my friend Mary Kay to drop her SUV off at the tire place. We had just pulled up in front of her house in my Volvo, her newborn son David in the back seat, my headlights on and car running. We were chatting about how to get babies to sleep when we saw a car idling in the street adjacent, about thirty feet away from us. Our conversation stopped after we heard a the pop pop of gunfire. A man got out of the car, pulled out a gun and we saw light and eight pop pop pops into the alley. I turned off the car and got down under the steering wheel as fast as I could, bracing for I thought might be a shooting, asking for Jesus to protect us. I was terrified because our car was on, we had seen the whole thing and I thought maybe he would be angry at us. The car sped away. A man in grey ran towards the car as fast as he could, presumably the target of the bullets, for the moment safe and whole. Two girls starting shrieking right after that, asking where their brother was. We tried to call the police but her phone wasn’t working. I am still in shock about the whole thing. Just writing about it makes my insides all tight.

The illusion I had of being “safe” from targeted shootings has been shattered. I keep thinking “what if” What if we had arrived a moment earlier, Mary Kay walking across the street with her baby when the shooting happened– what would have happened? Would she still be here? I feel very vulnurable, unsure of what is safe to do. Any advice on how to move on with normal life now?

Blondies

As promised, here is “my” blondie recipe.

Chocolate Chip Cookies/Bars

2 C Flour

1 t baking soda

1 stick butter

1 cup oats

3/4 C sugar

3/4 C brown sugar

1 t vanilla

2 large eggs

2 C chocolate chips (12 oz. Bag)

1 C chopped nuts (optional)

Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla. Add rest of the ingredients. stir. Preheat oven to 375.

For cookies, bake approx. 9-11 minutes.

For bars, put in aluminum 9 X 13 pan and cook approx. 20-22 minutes.

Link to pictures of Jack

Here are some more pictures of Jack

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=38052&l=ccb38&id=723817446

i am still figuring out how to do links!!!

Wrightsville Beach

We have spent the past few days with my grandmother and aunt and uncle at Wrightsville Beach. Jack is not sure he LOVES the ocean, preferring to spend his time on the towel, fingering and then eating a few particles of sand at a time. It has been wonderful to be on the beach and to rest– falling asleep each night to the waves and the breeze. Here are some pictures of Jack

Jack and his Papa

Shame

On most Thursday afternoons you will find me with a group of six to seven girls between the ages of 9 and 12. They come mostly from around our neighborhood, walking to one of our houses for a snack, games and a bible lesson. Our group is called LOVE (Ladies of Virtue and Excellence). Today our lesson was about the FALL from Genesis. After planting geraniums for an older lady down the street, having hot tea with sandwiches and some nibbles, we settled in to our lesson. We have spent the previous four weeks talking about creation from Gen. 1 and 2. Many of the girls had not read the story before or heard the account, so they listened in wonder as we read how God spoke, and it was good. Today the story changed. We read about how the serpent changed God’s words and how the woman and the man changed his words too. We read about how before they ate from the fruit, they wore nothing and felt no shame. We talked about how after they ate from the fruit, they felt shame, that feeling of knowing we have done wrong and have no where to hide.

Well, after LOVE group, the girls all scattered to their houses, many of them just a few doors down from me. I rushed off to meet a friend for an evening cocktail and bumped my neighbor’s car. My neighbor Earl, who hates us for using his hose, bumping into his car, and blocking his sidewalk with our grill while we painted our house. All legitimate reasons for dislike. On this day, I bumped Earl’s car–just barely– as I was hurridely pulling out and Earl lit into me for all the times I have bumped his car. He called the police, and I stood as the neighbors and Earl watched the police check out his car– and mine. There were no scratches, so they couldn’t report anything, but I asked each girl later– what was I feeling then– SHAME! Had I done something wrong– YES! Were there consequences– YES! Had I intended to do wrong–well, only if hurrying is wrong. I hope my LOVE girls remember about SHAME for a long time to come– and that God came to heal our shame– even if the consequences still exist. Earl is still very angry at me– and I have a question for you– How can I love him? I pray for him almost daily, but he refuses to acknowledge our existence except to yell or berate us? We have given him reason to dislike us, but he will not forgive? Here are our LOVE girls at our tea party

When does a recipe become your own?

I have many recipes that we make over and over again. My mom’s family recipe for light delicious waffles, passed down from a previous generation of Southern cooks, rich fudgy brownies, pistachio pesto pasta with cooked random veggies, Asian stir fry with vegetables of the week, and on and on. Each has become a favorite– like a familiar comfy sweater that you grab at the last minute to warm you up on a cold night. All of these recipes started out as ones that I either copied from Mom’s files or found in various cookbooks– such as the ones listed at right. However, over the years, I have changed them, added, deleted, substituted, so that the original is quite altered. In the process of cooking these over several years, I have wondered when this recipe becomes MINE. Any recipe that a person touts as theirs didn’t just magically appear in their brains, it was the result of unconscious comparison and experimentation with other recipes. In the case of the brownie recipe, I have written in the book (this one, in case you were wondering appears in its original form in King Arthur Flour: 200th Anniversary Cookbook) various choices one could add or not as supply or desire dictated. After reading multiple brownie recipes such as one from Martha Stewart Living I made some changes. However– when does this recipe become one that I, catherine illian, could enter in the Pillsbury Gluten Free Bake Off, if such a thing exists? I give you the original, my changes, and ask you– is it mine?

Original

4 ounces (squares) unsweetened chocolate

1/2 cup (1 stick butter

2 cups sugar or brown sugar

2 to 4 eggs

1/2 tsp. salt

2 tsp. vanilla

1 cup whole wheat flour

“MINE”

6 ounces unsweetened chocolate

1/3 cup butter (preferably Amish roll butter)

1 3/4 cup granulated sugar

1/4 tsp. salt

1/4 tsp. baking powder

2 tsp. vanilla

3/4 cup gluten free all purpose flour (Bob’s Red Mill)

optional add ins

chocolate chips– quantity TBD by baker

1/4 cup dutch cocoa powder (or you can use regular)

3/4 tsp. cinnamon

1/2 tsp. nutmeg

1 cup of chopped nuts of any variety

1 package of peppermint patties strewn on at the last five minutes of baking and then spread around creating mint brownies– people will think you have gone to alot of trouble

1-2 tsp. chocolate extract

For both recipes, you melt choc. and butter in a saucepan. Take off the heat and then stir in the rest of the ingredients. Bake at 350 for 35-45 minutes. (always underbaking as to ensure gooey consistency that looks like horse poop but tastes divine)

Starting Again

Here I am again– a year and a half later– trying to start a new blog– last time– I literally started my blog and then a few weeks later got pregnant– and although I was blissfully happy about this new turn of events, I didn’t know how to write on the blog and also not write about the thing that was consuming most of my thoughts– this little person growing inside of me– so let me start again– I will try to post at least two times a week when I am in town–