Negative

The pregnancy test came back negative but my basal body temperatures are still up meaning one of any number of things

1. I am pregnant but the test isn’t positive yet

2. I ovulated on a different day than expected and temps will go down tomorrow or the next day.

3. any other thoughts…

A Grief

This time of year I always feel a mixture of joy and sadness. Joy that the leaves are changing into beautiful colors. Sadness that they are turning brown and dying. Wonder at the crisp air and blue sky that refreshes after hot humid mosquito summer. Wonder at this toddler that two years ago was two lines on a test strip. Sadness at the positive test three years ago that ended in miscarriage. Every year around this time I allow myself to think– what if? Every time I see a girl (I really think the baby was a girl, but it was too early to tell) around what would have been her age I get very sad. One little girl in particular really got to me last year. She had a mess of red curly hair and spunk to match. I don’t know if our little girl would have had red hair, but it most definitely would have been curly. It was sad and happy for me to watch her antics and personality come out over the course of my year there.

I am feeling a mixture of joy and sadness again this year. I am thrilled that I ovulated this month. For someone who has ovulated a grand total of five times in the past four year (three of those times due to clomid) any ovulation is wonderful. My acupuncture doctor John Kang’s revolting mixture of sweet and bitter herbs combined with the acupuncture and some of God’s grace resulted in an ovulation this month. I was really hoping that the ovulation would also result in a pregnancy. It doesn’t look like that is the case and the news has hit me a little hard. I know I’m having a bad day when I don’t get dressed before say two in the afternoon. It doesn’t happen often but yesterday was one of those days. Before yesterday I really thought I was going to be fine either way. But given that of the previous four times  I ovulated, two times Ibecame  pregnant, I figured that this time it would work too. Not so. Now I’m not sure that I’m not pregnant, just pretty sure. I’ll let you know later in the day after I take a test. But all signs point in the direction of a negative.

This potential negative isn’t the end of the world, but it is hard. It is a reminder for me that as much as I like to think it, I am not in control of my life. My crazy body that doesn’t like to ovulate is a reminder of that. Dear friends of mine who struggle and find they are unable to conceive remind me of that. My miscarriage was a huge reminder. One that brought me to a new place with God. One of the books that really met me during that time was Making Sense of Suffering by Peter Kreeft. Here is an excerpt from the book that explains it far better than I could. One quote that has brought me comfort when I question God and wrestle with him about suffering (why, why is it unequally distributed, why do some people suffer such horrible things) is this

Not only do we only know God through Jesus Christ, but we only know ourselves through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ we cannot know the meaning of our life or our death, of God or of ourselves.

In short God does not answer our tortured questions but he does give us himself. And we have to believe that in the same way that our life has meaning, our suffering has meaning as well, even if we can’t understand it ever.

Halloween Question

Jack O

A few days ago I was reading  my dear friend Jonalyn’s blog about her thoughts on Halloween. And I was wondering. How do people plan on celebrating this (sometimes) controversial holiday?  A bit of background. I was raised conservative Christian. Make that VERY  conservative.  My parents and I now occasionally joke about how conservative we were.  We have since broadened our horizons, so to speak. In that we no longer consider Halloween a holiday to be avoided if possible. Or if not avoided at least spent handing out tracts to the hapless kids who happened to ring out doorbell.  I never carved a jack o’lantern growing up, much less went trick or treat.  Instead the next day we would go to a ‘harvest festival’ at our church to celebrate “All Saints Day.”

Since we now have  Jack, we have decided to celebrate the holiday. I see Halloween not as a celebration of the dead or the devil but a cultural holiday where children enjoy dressing up, going door to door asking strangers for candy. We carve a pumpkin into an artistic smiley face (by my husband of course. If I did it it would be more abstract)  and light a candle in it. We welcome the many children who come to our door with a smile and bit of (teeth rotting) candy.  I do agree that some elements of Halloween do focus on the dead and on unnecessarily gore and/or violence.  However, wouldn’t ANY holiday be guilty of that same unnecessary overkill.  (sorry about the  pun)  Think Christmas and Santa! Reindeer! Elves! Excess shopping!  Overeating!  Temptation to busyness and generally being overcommited!  Seriously,  some people’s houses are scarier at Christmas than Halloween. (all those elves– give me the creeps)

I mean why are we putting a live tree in our house and spreading greenery all around during the most ‘dead’ time in the year?  Because a long time ago, pagans would do the same thing to remind themselves that spring was coming.  (and don’t worry, I liberally sprinkle my house with greens like the rest of them– eagerly looking forward to spring and also enjoying the smell and the green)

What do you think of Halloween?  How will you celebrate it?

Disclaimer– If I have offended you in any way, please let me know. I have been known to do that from time to time.

And now for your viewing pleasure: Jack as a Hot Pepper, Matt and the Pumpkin.  From Halloween last year.

Jack and Matt and Pumpkin

Food

Market Greens

I just finished reading this article in the NYT and am salivating over Micheal Pollan’s latest book In Defense of Food. The slogan on the front of the book basically sums up his philosophy of eating well.

1. Eat food

2. Not too much

3. Mostly plants

I really appreciate his take on the food crisis in our nation and the fact that most people in his words “don’t eat real food.” Food  being in contrast to “food products.”  Food= anything your great grandmother (or someone’s great grandmother– hey I like eating Thai) would have recognized as food.  Another way of thinking about it is generally avoid products with more than five ingredients or lots of unrecognizable ingredients.   Basically his stance is that people in America have gotten away from any sort of positive food culture and instead eat mostly processed food products (even gasp! organic food products).  We are unwitting slaves to the food industry and buy any new thing that is fortified with omega-3’s or remember oat bran? He argues that we would be better served instead to observe the above 3 principles.  An addition to that would be a willingness to put more time into our food preparation and eating (a by-product of refusing “food products”) Who wants to scarf down the delicious mashed sweet potatoes you just made?  I have personally observed this appreciation of food in other cultures as well.  From rural Mexico to Albania to Kenya, I’ve personally stayed with people who were not wealthy but took time to make their food and enjoy it.  One example: when in Mexico–Ciudad Mante to be specific–I spent 10 days leading high school kids doing an Vacation Bible School.  The pastor’s wife was in charge of feeding us.  We ate REALLY well.  Every night she had crafted – in addition to helping us during the day–delicious authentic Mexican dishes. Very different from the so-called Mexican food we have in the states.  One day I remember in particular.  We were going on a picnic –let me repeat that–PICNIC.  If I were planning a picnic with high school aged kids, I would grab chips and burgers or pizza without even thinking about it.  She made a three course feast that started out with soup. Let me repeat that SOUP on a picnic.  It was delicious and amazing.  I would never think to serve soup to a group of thirty teenagers.  But for her and the culture around her it was just what you did.  We have definitely lost something in our culture of crunched time that pushes the need for fast food

For our lives in Richmond we have chosen to get most of our veggies from a Community Shared Agriculture (CSA) called Victory Farms.  To say that I love it is um, an understatement. The fresh vegetables– amazing. I am FORCED to try things I  would never pick up in the grocery store but have grown to love.  Beets, beet greens, kale, turnips, to name a few.  I never knew I would look forward to making beets– but they are yummy.  (especially the “complete beets” recipe in the vegetable cookbook at right)  We also buy most of our beef, chicken, eggs, bacon, sausage, goat cheese, honey, butter, etc from Faith Farms, a local farmer who is committed to sustainable grass fed beef and free range chicken.  I also buy from other vendors at the 17th Street Farmer’s Market.  I still go to the grocery store for fruit (Jack loves bananas and avocados) and yogurt and dark chocolate covered almonds and other staples but I try to get mostly food and only a few “food  products.”  I really think this is a good rule of thumb.

I know that not everyone is in a position to make most of their food, but I have found it to be pretty easy once you start trying. I have my staples that I usually make a few times a week and then I try recipes a few times a week as well.  I eat real food. I don’t do low fat. Anything low fat has been processed to make it taste  right.  I do try to plan out a menu for the week so I have a general idea of what we’ll be making.  I use the website Epicurious and Gluten-free girl all the time to help me make impromptu dinners.  Let me give you an example.  Last night I made sea-trout, mashed sweet potatoes, green beans, and butternut squash soup.  It took a whopping 20-30 minutes to put together.  I looked up sea-trout on epicurious and found a lemon/basil/parsley sauce and broiled it for 7 minutes, putting the green beans for the last few minutes covered in olive oil, salt and pepper.  I put butter and maple syrup and a little buttermilk and salt with some sweet potatoes I had roasted a few days before (when I made the butternut squash soup).  The butternut squash soup was leftover.  It  was delicious and easy.  But it was real and infinitely better that “food products”

Let me challenge you to make my brownie recipe. Tell me if you think it is really that much harder than a mix and so much better tasting. It tastes REAL!

What is your take on FOOD, “food products” or anything related to the above?

Community

I have wanted to introduce you to my community for some time. We live in an urban area of Richmond Virginia. We moved there by choice. With three other couples who share a similar vision. Aside from sharing vision, we also have the joy of sharing life together. We sometimes joke about how we are “tribally” raising our children. How they are in some ways being mothered by all of us. We share child care. We share meals. We share the joys and sorrows of living in a community that has much need, both physical and spiritual. We do each have our own houses, but we have at various times lived together.

I sometimes lack words to adequately express my thoughts and fortunately for you all this time, my very eloquent friend Corey Widmer has already written some ideas about our vision.

Part 1

Part 2

There really isn’t any thing more profound to say except that living this way has been such a joy for us. I love our neighbors. It is challenging to live in a place where you are in the minority. To live in a place where there are shooting and violence and drug dealing. But also to live in a place where neighbors (and not just these three couples but our next door neighbors) mow your lawn, rake your leaves, come tell you your trunk is open, ask about your visitors.

How do you find community?

My very cool sis

Faith's office waiting room

My sister Faith lives a very glamorous NYC lifestyle. She lives on the upper east side in a little jewel of an apartment. She is the quintessential New York girl.  She should have been born in an I Heart New York T-shirt. Seriously, I have never know someone who loved their city as much as she does.  Or who takes full advantage of the concerts, opera, restaurants, and beautiful parks with the same zest as she does.   She is always flitting of to the latest benefit, concert or opera in the park.  I LOVE visiting “her city” just because we always do such amazing things (and have such fun doing them)

Here is a link to Interior Design Magazine’s (where she interned a few year’s ago) photos of her offices at JWT (an ad agency). Her office is very cool. Very mod and colorful and interesting. She is also doing great work for ad campaigns ranging from Rolex to Stouffers.   In an environment like that, who wouldn’t be inspired.

What inspires you to work?

Please VOTE

My dear husband is going to be in a Dodgeball tourney on Saturday. This is the 3rd year they have participated and it is always good fun and even better to watch. Some of the teams come out with fancy unis and coordinated wristbands and such. Some of them are even good athletes. My quandry is this. Matt’s team name is OUT LIKE A FAT KID. Am I the only one that finds that offensive? His response is that they are going to really bad and therefore OUT LIKE A FAT KID. Please vote and tell me what YOU think.

What do you think of the Dodgeball team name OUT LIKE A FAT KID?
( polls)

Happy Birthday to Me

Today I turn 30. THIRTY I am not exactly happy about that fact. But I cannot stop the march of time. I told Matt my husband -NO Surprises please.  But he didn’t listen to me.  I was feeling very pokey and sad Saturday morning because I wasn’t going to get to see any family. But the two of us were going to tea at the Jefferson Hotel that day. What I didn’t know was that my aunt Katie from NC sister Faith from NYC and a few other friends from out of town were going to be joining us there. It was a wonderful surprise that I hadn’t asked for and definitely made turning 30 more of a celebration.  When we returned home Matt had made a delicious gluten free cake with icing.  Thank you Matt for such a wonderful day.

Undecided Voter

Yes, I am an undecided voter. In swing state Virginia. I know that will make some of my friends incredulous. Some because I can’t seem get thrilled about the Palin rally at the Motor Speedway this week in Richmond and others because I haven’t yet broken out my Obama t-shirt (which I won’t be allowed to wear at the polls because of some Republican wangling)

Seriously, I don’t have an Obama shirt and I wasn’t tempted to go to the Palin rally. I truly am undecided.

I would like some advice about who I should vote for. You can do this anonymously so as not to jeapordize our friendship (not that voting for either would because again –I’m undecided)

But what I would like are some REAL reasons to vote for either side. Please don’t trot out the old. I’m pro-life and McCain is pro-life and so I only vote pro-life. Or the other way around. I am pro-life, but since when has a president voted to legalize abortion? I know you can bring up partial birth abortion bill or something like that but I would like an argument other than that.

Ode to Chicken Salad

Before this week, I was rather cavalier about food safety.  I did store my meat and milk in the fridge. But I didn’t sweat it if the soup had been out of the fridge for a while, or if we traveled for a few hours with chinese food and then ate it. Those days, my friend, are over.

No longer am I going to emulate my grandmother Nani who has been known to GET FOOD OUT OF THE TRASH that has been sitting in the hot Georgia July sun and eat it.  (as she did at Sea Island a few years back when she fished some wilted celery and lettuce out of the trasvih can in the backyard)

Sunday night I ate some Ukrops chicken salad (which I LOVE)It had been out on the counter for a few hours on Friday.  A few hours too many I suppose because I woke up Monday at 5:30 with some unpleasantness which continued all day Monday accompanied by a fever, chill, and aches. I thought I was going to die. It wasn’t as bad as labor but it was as sick as I have been oh since I can remember. Different from normal nausea, etc viruses. Making it doubly hard was my super energetic one year old that doesn’t realize that Mama feels like she is dying and so needs to be allowed to rest. Preferably with a cold compress on her forehead and complete silence.   Fortunately Matt was able to relieve me for a few hours to allow for some rest.   I’ve never had food poisoning before but given my previous habits I was due for some poisoning.

I know the rest of you never leave food out. But seriously people. Be careful.